Saturday, 10 September 2011


Whether they care to acknowledge, accept or admit it, to all intents and purposes my family have effectively turned their back on me, unwittingly or otherwise...

Much as this may be unpalatable for them to read (if they ever have the time or inclination), it is a clear and simple unequivocal fact. (Few bystanders would argue once in possession of the sad facts)
I am actually a really nice guy; caring, compassionate and loving - but that don't matter a f*ck (excuse my language).

I am still suffering, sometimes terribly and on occasions almost unbearably. Things don't seem to be getting much better. Who do I turn to? (In the absence of any significant degree of help from the medical profession, who simply prescribe pills and leave you to it with no follow up whatsoever, what if the pills don't work?)

My reflex, natural inclination is to turn to my family as I have done, on numerous occasions in the last 2 years. (waste of time, energy and expectations).

I love my family, and would do anything for them and have gone out on a limb many times to answer the call. Alas, this is one way traffic. I have reached out many times and they are fully aware of the severity and longevity of my plight. Sadly no help is forthcoming, at all.

I have my father who has cancer and has been through the depression journey himself in years gone by; such that I viewed him as a valuable resource. He is available by phone perhaps once or twice every two months, on his terms. I feel reluctant to talk about my depression with him (even though I yearn to) as he is living with cancer and he never volunteers any information or guidance on my plight although he is fully aware of it. Perhaps he is unable to help.

I have a twin sister who has not phoned me once in 8 years (no fall outs or family dramas, to 'justify' this; it is a complete mystery to me). I see her approximately twice a year. She too is fully aware of the severity of my plight. She has her own problems (recent relationship break up and money worries but has been in a steady relationship for over a year and is in a full time well paid job with an active social life). I receive one or two emails a year saying 'I don't contact you, but I still think about you'

I have a younger sister who I speak with on a more regular basis, albeit completely on her terms and we speak about my problems and when we do I gain great benefit as she is very wise. However, it is very hard to reach her as calls are seldom answered. She has told me this is because she has her own demons to deal with and as such she feels she can't cope with speaking about my problems. So, if I am lucky, I get to speak with her perhaps once every 2 months.

Maybe I should be more considerate and let them continue to lead their own lives without my needy, demanding predicament. I don't think I have an option anyway.

I have tried time and time again to eliminate them from the process of my, thinking - well perhaps they have enough or too much on their own plates to be burdened by a sick brother / son.

Then I think about the fact that no matter how sick I am, I would rush to their aid if they needed me (and often have).

Where does this leave me?

Absolutely heartbroken.

I already feel completely isolated and lonely......and the lack of family help or at the very least tangible concern, leaves me feeling utterly destitute; I am in this totally on my own. I must learn to accept this.

It breaks my heart: they are too busy with their own lives, in spite of my desperation I must learn to deal with this alone and start to forget about hoping for any family intervention.

Sunday, 28 August 2011


Sometimes, we don't realise the gift of life (oh yes, I know all too well what it feels like to want to escape the unbearable pain when in the grip of depression). Some of my friends have died, very young, middle aged and older; nothing at all to do with depression. I'm talking tragic, sad accidents/circumstances and life events and sometimes, infrequently, I envy them, BUT sometimes I can appreciate the total beauty of life - a paradox. We look at this gift we have been given, called 'LIFE' sometimes we completely take it for granted, dismiss it and may envy those who have passed over, and feel like rejecting the gift of our life, but maybe we are wrong? Where will we end up if we succumb to our negative drives? Do we really know?


I think this message is very useful, whether one is agnostic, atheist, or spiritual:

Wednesday, 24 August 2011


Came across this POST about family not intervening or getting involved in your recovery or showing they care and I identified so much with the writers experience:

Monday, 22 August 2011


A week or so ago, I dreamt that I was with my Mother and her Mother (my Nana as I called her as a child - both dead). I have never, ever, had a dream like this before. In the dream I could see my beloved mother's huge smile and feel her love for me. But perhaps more auspiciously I felt HUGE love coming from my Nana, whom I have never dreamt of before, it felt wonderful. I didn't want to wake up, I was sad when I did.

Sunday, 21 August 2011


Last week, I crashed. From out of nowhere I experienced the bleakest and darkest day since on DULOXETINE.

I spent all day in bed, a lot of the time crying and begging God for help as I felt utterly and completely hopeless and suicidal.

This after my never having experienced suicidal ideation (let alone tendancies) since starting this new medication approx 8 months ago. Indeed the last few weeks have seen me rise from bed at all sorts of crazy times, from 4pm to 9pm, usually because curled up in bed is the closest thing to relief I feel compared to trying to get up and put a brave face on things, at which I usually fail and end up back in bed.

Now another trip to the Doctor has been scheduled....... is there no end to this?  :-(  

I remain hopeful that a solution will be found.

Here is something nice:

New medication - a new hope

So, after going back again, to see my family Doctor, Dr S, he was genuinely concerned and felt alarmed that I had experienced no relief from my depression for so long. So, after two way dialogue, (like I said, he is a good Doctor; caring, respectfull and attentive - thankfully with no 'God Complex') he decided on MIRTAZAPINE widely recognised as an effective anti-depressant.

As with all anti-depressants, MIRTAZAPINE comes with a catalougue of potential side effects, which affect some but not all. It certainly affected me, I could not get up out of bed (not due to normal depressive feelings) as this medication knocked me out! I slept for 18 hours straight each night/day, woken up about 6 to 8 times with my heart racing, due to vivid and lucid nightmares. I lasted 7 days on MIRTAZAPINE before deciding I simply could not funtion on this medication.

Back to the Doctor, this time I was prescribed DULOXETINE (Cymbalta). Thank God! within a few weeks of starting this medication I noticed a cessation of suicidal ideation. In this respect, compared to CITALOPRAM it had a very beneficial effect, although I still felt very down and indeed depressed, albeit without suicidal ideation which I was hugely grateful for.

Again, I persevered for a long time, despite an increase in blood pressure (a common side effect) as to be free of suicidal ideation was wonderful, even though the underlying depression was still there. Once again, I hoped and prayed for a change in external circumstances to be the missing piece of the jigsaw and I also self referred for counselling with a charitable 'pay what you can' Psychotherapy/Counselling service.

Here I was given the option to choose which kind of therapy I felt would be most appropriate. All types of counselling were described in detail, so the client/patient could make an informed choice and better improve their chances of success. I chose Psych-Dynamic and met with my therapist E a week or so later (after waiting for approx 8 weeks).

E is a wonderful lady, it would be hard to find a more caring individual and she is very experienced and has certainly proven, already, to be more of a help than the 6 sessions of CBT which proved to be little less than interesting.

Wish I had someone to fix me

More information about me

So where do I start? We all have our tale to tell and it would be great if others could share their tales (stories) in the hope that some of us may gain some help and advice.

I'm just a regular guy, at least I was up until November 2009. That was when I first started noticing very unusual feelings and thoughts: Major Depression as it turned out.

I had been under pressure for the previous 2 or 3 years due to the global financial crisis, credit crunch, recession, meltdown - call it what you will, as I am self employed and my business took a massive plunge in income due to the financial crisis, so much so that I had to survive on savings for large spells, to save from going under proper.

The constant non-stop worry about this predicament led to panic attacks, many sleepless nights, and generally being constantly worried about the future, 24/7, non-stop.

Then in November 2009 strange thoughts started creeping into my head, the kind of thoughts I had never experienced in my life before; life is hopeless / there's no point in going on / I can't take this anymore / things will never get better / I'm finished, washed up, a failure, a loser / people will look at me and feel pity for me when they see how far I've sunk / what's the point in going on? / you're completely on your own with this, no-one can magic this away! and so on and so on.

I was living abroad in a  mainland European country at this point and got news that my father's cancer may be worsening and that my sister K was having a hugely hard time seperating from her partner and it was also at this time I felt the beginnings of a breakdow coming on due to my own problems, so after much thought  I decided to go home, back to the UK, ( after living in this European country for 7 & 1/2 years and setting up a whole NEW life and network / circle of friends and associates - I left it all behind and dashed back home to Scotland in Feb 2010).

Once the honeymoon effect had worn off after moving back home having been away for 7 & 1/2 years (took about 3 weeks to wear off), I started to notice all the previously alien thoughts and feelings (as described above). So I made an appointment to see my family Doctor. He diagnosed Clinical Depression and started me on Citalopram (Cipralex), 6 weeks passed and I was no better, in fact I was getting worse; suicidal ideation was rampant! and the sense of hopelessness had magnified considerably. He increased the dose to the maximum recommended and arranged for a course of CBT.

3 months later I attended my first CBT session and attended the other appointments regularly, through to completion (6 sessions) I learned some new insights on depression from the CBT sessions but felt they were largely ineffective, so I stayed on the Citalopram, for a whole year, waiting for a change in how I was feeling, which would be brought on by a change in circumstances - my circumstances didn't change and my condition didn't improve at all. Many, many days were spent in bed with the curtains drawn, crying, feeling hopeless, isolated, lonely and bleak. I stayed on the Citalopram for a further year before giving up on the medication and seeking help again,