Whether they care to acknowledge, accept or admit it, to all intents and purposes my family have effectively turned their back on me, unwittingly or otherwise...
Much as this may be unpalatable for them to read (if they ever have the time or inclination), it is a clear and simple unequivocal fact. (Few bystanders would argue once in possession of the sad facts)
I am actually a really nice guy; caring, compassionate and loving - but that don't matter a f*ck (excuse my language).
I am still suffering, sometimes terribly and on occasions almost unbearably. Things don't seem to be getting much better. Who do I turn to? (In the absence of any significant degree of help from the medical profession, who simply prescribe pills and leave you to it with no follow up whatsoever, what if the pills don't work?)
My reflex, natural inclination is to turn to my family as I have done, on numerous occasions in the last 2 years. (waste of time, energy and expectations).
I love my family, and would do anything for them and have gone out on a limb many times to answer the call. Alas, this is one way traffic. I have reached out many times and they are fully aware of the severity and longevity of my plight. Sadly no help is forthcoming, at all.
I have my father who has cancer and has been through the depression journey himself in years gone by; such that I viewed him as a valuable resource. He is available by phone perhaps once or twice every two months, on his terms. I feel reluctant to talk about my depression with him (even though I yearn to) as he is living with cancer and he never volunteers any information or guidance on my plight although he is fully aware of it. Perhaps he is unable to help.
I have a twin sister who has not phoned me once in 8 years (no fall outs or family dramas, to 'justify' this; it is a complete mystery to me). I see her approximately twice a year. She too is fully aware of the severity of my plight. She has her own problems (recent relationship break up and money worries but has been in a steady relationship for over a year and is in a full time well paid job with an active social life). I receive one or two emails a year saying 'I don't contact you, but I still think about you'
I have a younger sister who I speak with on a more regular basis, albeit completely on her terms and we speak about my problems and when we do I gain great benefit as she is very wise. However, it is very hard to reach her as calls are seldom answered. She has told me this is because she has her own demons to deal with and as such she feels she can't cope with speaking about my problems. So, if I am lucky, I get to speak with her perhaps once every 2 months.
Maybe I should be more considerate and let them continue to lead their own lives without my needy, demanding predicament. I don't think I have an option anyway.
I have tried time and time again to eliminate them from the process of my, thinking - well perhaps they have enough or too much on their own plates to be burdened by a sick brother / son.
Then I think about the fact that no matter how sick I am, I would rush to their aid if they needed me (and often have).
Where does this leave me?
Absolutely heartbroken.
I already feel completely isolated and lonely......and the lack of family help or at the very least tangible concern, leaves me feeling utterly destitute; I am in this totally on my own. I must learn to accept this.
It breaks my heart: they are too busy with their own lives, in spite of my desperation I must learn to deal with this alone and start to forget about hoping for any family intervention.
