More information about me

So where do I start? We all have our tale to tell and it would be great if others could share their tales (stories) in the hope that some of us may gain some help and advice.

I'm just a regular guy, at least I was up until November 2009. That was when I first started noticing very unusual feelings and thoughts: Major Depression as it turned out.

I had been under pressure for the previous 2 or 3 years due to the global financial crisis, credit crunch, recession, meltdown - call it what you will, as I am self employed and my business took a massive plunge in income due to the financial crisis, so much so that I had to survive on savings for large spells, to save from going under proper.

The constant non-stop worry about this predicament led to panic attacks, many sleepless nights, and generally being constantly worried about the future, 24/7, non-stop.

Then in November 2009 strange thoughts started creeping into my head, the kind of thoughts I had never experienced in my life before; life is hopeless / there's no point in going on / I can't take this anymore / things will never get better / I'm finished, washed up, a failure, a loser / people will look at me and feel pity for me when they see how far I've sunk / what's the point in going on? / you're completely on your own with this, no-one can magic this away! and so on and so on.

I was living abroad in a  mainland European country at this point and got news that my father's cancer may be worsening and that my sister K was having a hugely hard time seperating from her partner and it was also at this time I felt the beginnings of a breakdow coming on due to my own problems, so after much thought  I decided to go home, back to the UK, ( after living in this European country for 7 & 1/2 years and setting up a whole NEW life and network / circle of friends and associates - I left it all behind and dashed back home to Scotland in Feb 2010).

Once the honeymoon effect had worn off after moving back home having been away for 7 & 1/2 years (took about 3 weeks to wear off), I started to notice all the previously alien thoughts and feelings (as described above). So I made an appointment to see my family Doctor. He diagnosed Clinical Depression and started me on Citalopram (Cipralex), 6 weeks passed and I was no better, in fact I was getting worse; suicidal ideation was rampant! and the sense of hopelessness had magnified considerably. He increased the dose to the maximum recommended and arranged for a course of CBT.

3 months later I attended my first CBT session and attended the other appointments regularly, through to completion (6 sessions) I learned some new insights on depression from the CBT sessions but felt they were largely ineffective, so I stayed on the Citalopram, for a whole year, waiting for a change in how I was feeling, which would be brought on by a change in circumstances - my circumstances didn't change and my condition didn't improve at all. Many, many days were spent in bed with the curtains drawn, crying, feeling hopeless, isolated, lonely and bleak. I stayed on the Citalopram for a further year before giving up on the medication and seeking help again,